LAW & ORDER D.G.V.
-DAVIS GIRL VERSION-
-DAVIS GIRL VERSION-
In the Criminal Justice System
there are two separate but equally important people:
Attorneys who ask confused plaintiffs inane questions
and the disgruntled stenographers who swear at their computers.
These are their stories.
there are two separate but equally important people:
Attorneys who ask confused plaintiffs inane questions
and the disgruntled stenographers who swear at their computers.
These are their stories.
DUNG-dung.
Two weeks ago, I received a message from my attorney that the law firm defending the driver that hit me was at long last ready for my deposition. If you don’t know what a deposition is, you’re not alone. Scientific studies prove that one out of every person currently typing this sentence has no idea what deposition is. Only after I told my roommate that I was getting deported was I corrected.
So it was with some relief that my attorney asked me to come in the day before the depo (that's hip lawyerish slang for 'deposition') to prep. When I got to his office in the aptly named town of Plainville, CT he brought me a dixie cup of tap water and set up a deposition training video. Remember those Workplace Safety Training/ Loss Prevention Training/ Customer Service Training videos about how to do things like how to handle a difficult customer, how to administer first aid, how to approach an aisle-four pickle jar spill, or how to determine if a victim is conscious and/or breathing...yeah, remember those? Well, this was a 'how-not-to give a deposition' video. And from this stimulating half hour video --yes, that's 30 minutes of my life which I will never get back-- I learned some exciting How-Not-To tips such as:
1. Do not lie as you will be sworn in and under oath or you will be arrested.
2. Do not offer information that is not asked or you will be arrested.
3. Do not get emotional. If you cry, you will be arrested.
4. Do not interrupt the opposing counsel or you will be arrested.
5. Do not be discourteous. Address counsel as Sir or Madam or you will be arrested.
After the video, my attorney took away my dixie cup and we moved on to my case file review where we went over the details of the night of the accident, my resulting injuries, treatments, follow-up treatments, and current complaints, issues, and so on. The prep took about two hours and when I was leaving he assured me I was going to do great.
Well the deposition came and went...And I must admit; I am 95% confident that I have no idea what came out of my mouth. I'm pretty sure I've blocked it. But as some of you have asked me how it went, I could probably fill in the blanks. I’ve paid enough visits to the mysteries stacks at Barnes & Noble to know that the transcript of that closed-door meeting probably will look something like this:
The Deposition in the case of
Erica B Davis vs. the Defendant
held at the offices of
Blah Blah and Blah, Suite 702,
Plainville, CT
Erica B Davis vs. the Defendant
held at the offices of
Blah Blah and Blah, Suite 702,
Plainville, CT
Appearances:
Erica Davis (ED)
Her Attorney (HA)
Other Attorney (OA)
Stenography Lady (SL) Shorthand Reporter/Notary public within and for the State of Connecticut.
BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:
Erica Davis (ED): --en what’s that thing for?
Her Attorney (HA): Just a tape recorder. We record all our sessions to be compared later with the stenographer’s notes.
ED: So...that other attorney...He’s not going to ask about my math grades or anything is he?
HA:Where did you get an idea like that?
ED: There was this episode of Law & Order on the other night and this guy was innocent, but the other attorney subpoenaed some of his old report cards and--
HA: Just calm down, Erica. You’re going to do great.
(Sound of door opening)
(Sound of door closing)
Other Attorney (OA): Sorry I’m late everyone. I passed this accident on the way here and--well anyway--let’s get this thing started. Everybody Ready? Great.
Stenography Lady (SL): Miss Davis, raise your right hand. Your other right...Now, Miss Davis, do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?
ED: I do.
OA: Thank you, Miss Davis. Good afternoon everyone. Thank you so much for being here. First, Miss Davis, when I ask you questions you must give a verbal answer and please wait for me to finish a question before you respond. Do you understand?
ED: I do.
HA: Nice! You’re doing great, Erica.
OC: Just for the record, Miss Davis please state your name.
ED: Erica Davis.
OC: Are you testifying that you do not in fact have a middle name or are you saying you don’t use it? Remember, you are under oath, Miss Davis.
ED: Uh...
OC: Please refrain from not using verbal responses, Miss Davis.
ED: Yes, Sir. Uh, I don’t understand your question, Sir.
HA: Nice. You’re doing great, Erica.
OC: Please describe for me, in detail, how exactly you spell your middle name.
{17 MINUTES LATER}
OC: Are you or are you not saying that you may or may not have been given a so-called middle name in which case, that you choose not to use it, or if you do, that you refrain from giving it under oath?
ED: Is it getting warm in here?
HA: You’re doing great, Erica.
OC: Now. If I were to subpoena your seventh grade report card, what would I find written for your third quarter math grade?
ED: (inaudible)
{32 MINUTES LATER}
OC: And what was the listed phone number for the chocolatiere where you bought the so-called yogurt-dipped pretzels?
ED: I’ve never been to France.
OC: In as much detail as you can, please tell me; what are the effects of Plutonium on an unexpired non-callable substance when combined with a superconductor or unobtainable metal?
ED: Near my old house there was this big pond. I threw pennies at ducks.
OC: Miss Davis, earlier you testified that you drank a ginger ale at a so-called restaurant that night of the accident. Is this true?
ED: Ginger ale has 65 calories per serving.
OC: And did this so-called Ginger ale have ice?
ED: My mom had cockatiels that screeched when Golden Girls came on.
OC: But did you or did you not just testify that you drank ginger ale?
ED: I have to go to the bathroom.
OC: But now, you’re saying you drank Ginger ale with ice or do you mean to say that you drank the aforementioned so-called ginger ale so quickly that the ice didn’t have time to melt, and if so, did you not stop to think of the hazards of ice-choking; but if it did melt, you are lying under oath and if such is not the case, would you be saying that--
{TWELVE MINUTES LATER}
OC: (Continued)–for which the drink distributor of this so-called restaurant versus a delivery truck invoice slip which was not actually signed for by the dishwasher who cleaned the alleged glass that your drank from containing an un-iced ginger ale?
ED: My neighbor has a guinea pig. His name is Disco. The guinea pig, I mean. Not my neighbor.
OC: Do you know my client’s name, Miss Davis?
ED: I didn’t floss in college.
OC: Have you ever called my client on a telephone?
ED: A giraffe has the same number of bones in it’s neck as humans. They’re just longer.
OC: Have you ever called my client on a cellular phone or spoken to my client since the night of the events of March 10, 2007?
ED: Broccoli scrubs your insides.
OC: Miss Davis, what is my client’s cousin’s brother-in-law’s name?
ED: I like pineapple.
(Sounds of papers shuffling)
OC: Ok. That about covers it for me. Thank you, Miss Davis.
ED: (inaudible)
HA: I’d like to cross examine my client now. Miss Davis, please describe in your own words the events that took place on the night of--
Stenography Lady (SL): --stupid battery’s about to–
END TRANSCRIPT
Erica Davis (ED): --en what’s that thing for?
Her Attorney (HA): Just a tape recorder. We record all our sessions to be compared later with the stenographer’s notes.
ED: So...that other attorney...He’s not going to ask about my math grades or anything is he?
HA:Where did you get an idea like that?
ED: There was this episode of Law & Order on the other night and this guy was innocent, but the other attorney subpoenaed some of his old report cards and--
HA: Just calm down, Erica. You’re going to do great.
(Sound of door opening)
(Sound of door closing)
Other Attorney (OA): Sorry I’m late everyone. I passed this accident on the way here and--well anyway--let’s get this thing started. Everybody Ready? Great.
Stenography Lady (SL): Miss Davis, raise your right hand. Your other right...Now, Miss Davis, do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?
ED: I do.
OA: Thank you, Miss Davis. Good afternoon everyone. Thank you so much for being here. First, Miss Davis, when I ask you questions you must give a verbal answer and please wait for me to finish a question before you respond. Do you understand?
ED: I do.
HA: Nice! You’re doing great, Erica.
OC: Just for the record, Miss Davis please state your name.
ED: Erica Davis.
OC: Are you testifying that you do not in fact have a middle name or are you saying you don’t use it? Remember, you are under oath, Miss Davis.
ED: Uh...
OC: Please refrain from not using verbal responses, Miss Davis.
ED: Yes, Sir. Uh, I don’t understand your question, Sir.
HA: Nice. You’re doing great, Erica.
OC: Please describe for me, in detail, how exactly you spell your middle name.
{17 MINUTES LATER}
OC: Are you or are you not saying that you may or may not have been given a so-called middle name in which case, that you choose not to use it, or if you do, that you refrain from giving it under oath?
ED: Is it getting warm in here?
HA: You’re doing great, Erica.
OC: Now. If I were to subpoena your seventh grade report card, what would I find written for your third quarter math grade?
ED: (inaudible)
{32 MINUTES LATER}
OC: And what was the listed phone number for the chocolatiere where you bought the so-called yogurt-dipped pretzels?
ED: I’ve never been to France.
OC: In as much detail as you can, please tell me; what are the effects of Plutonium on an unexpired non-callable substance when combined with a superconductor or unobtainable metal?
ED: Near my old house there was this big pond. I threw pennies at ducks.
OC: Miss Davis, earlier you testified that you drank a ginger ale at a so-called restaurant that night of the accident. Is this true?
ED: Ginger ale has 65 calories per serving.
OC: And did this so-called Ginger ale have ice?
ED: My mom had cockatiels that screeched when Golden Girls came on.
OC: But did you or did you not just testify that you drank ginger ale?
ED: I have to go to the bathroom.
OC: But now, you’re saying you drank Ginger ale with ice or do you mean to say that you drank the aforementioned so-called ginger ale so quickly that the ice didn’t have time to melt, and if so, did you not stop to think of the hazards of ice-choking; but if it did melt, you are lying under oath and if such is not the case, would you be saying that--
{TWELVE MINUTES LATER}
OC: (Continued)–for which the drink distributor of this so-called restaurant versus a delivery truck invoice slip which was not actually signed for by the dishwasher who cleaned the alleged glass that your drank from containing an un-iced ginger ale?
ED: My neighbor has a guinea pig. His name is Disco. The guinea pig, I mean. Not my neighbor.
OC: Do you know my client’s name, Miss Davis?
ED: I didn’t floss in college.
OC: Have you ever called my client on a telephone?
ED: A giraffe has the same number of bones in it’s neck as humans. They’re just longer.
OC: Have you ever called my client on a cellular phone or spoken to my client since the night of the events of March 10, 2007?
ED: Broccoli scrubs your insides.
OC: Miss Davis, what is my client’s cousin’s brother-in-law’s name?
ED: I like pineapple.
(Sounds of papers shuffling)
OC: Ok. That about covers it for me. Thank you, Miss Davis.
ED: (inaudible)
HA: I’d like to cross examine my client now. Miss Davis, please describe in your own words the events that took place on the night of--
Stenography Lady (SL): --stupid battery’s about to–
END TRANSCRIPT
