Dear Staples,

FROM: TheDavisGirl@inmypajamas.com

TO: StaplesPresident@StaplesOfficeSupplyStores.com

SUBJECT: Hey, that was easy.

Dear Staples,

I am writing to congratulate you on your success as a kick-arse Store. I've had this laptop since 2004. It came with wireless network, which worked perfectly, once at a Borders bookstore in California. Never since. Which was all very well, since I've somehow managed to convince friends and loved ones alike that I didn't need the internet, because:

-"It would interfere with my writing..."

-"It costs too much..."

-"I have it at work..."

All of which, I now realize, are moot. I am currently writing you this email from my very own writing chair in my bedroom and, more importantly, in my pajamas. Do you know how great this is? I can't tell you how many odd looks I've gotten when asked "what's my aim?" and I say "best-selling author." BUT I GET IT NOW! They meant the 'Americans Instant Messanger!' Did you know you can even buy things? I'm not kidding! I was just looking at the fruit juicer which only cost $37.78! I know!

-

Life takes Visa. And Pants.

Round trip gas for shopping trip to J.Crew outlet store: $23

Blue polka-dot belt: $6.

2 Striped oxford blouses: $49.

Dark gray tailored pants: $78

Corduroy blazer suggested by good-looking manager: $72

Knocking into sock display when good-looking manager smiles at me: Embarrassing.

Gas for next-day trip to get security tag removed from pinstripe pants: $12.

Wondering if good-looking manager just saw me trip on argyle sweater display table leg: Mortifying.

Blue jersey-knit dress: $33.

Time spent pretending to search through rack of wool herringbone blazers I can't afford while waiting to see if good-looking manager: a) has a ring on his left ring-finger; b) calls security on me for loitering: 8 minutes 27 seconds.

Wool herringbone blazer suggested by good-looking manager: $168.

Moving with the prowess of Wonder Woman and the stealth of McGyver; handing manager a scrap of paper with my number on it, while walking shoulder-first into a partition wall: Super easy.

Minutes sitting in car, trying to remember if I wrote the right phone number: 6.5.

Good-looking manager calling last night and asking me out for coffee:
Priceless.

There are some things money can't buy.
For everything else, there's social awkwardness.