If this isn't Mom or Dad, let me explain: Last Christmas, Mom and Dad offered to pay for me to attend a writer's conference in New York City. After a little background research I realized I'd be a donkey's behind not to take them up on it.
So I did. Which is how last weekend, I got to spend two and a half days rubbing elbows with fellow writers, authors, literary agents, editors and publishers. I mean REAL professionals. The late Michael Crichton's editor was there. Like I told Mom and Dad last night, I'm still reeling from the weekend. But I did manage to get a few things out before a literary brain freeze.
TOP TEN THINGS YOU LEARN AT A WRITER'S CONFERENCE IN NEW YORK CITY
10. Adjectives don’t make your book literary.
9. Rejection is just your manuscript getting sent to the wrong person.
8. The voices are normal.
7. If you're having trouble revising your story, print it out in a different font or size. This will detach your subconscious from what it thinks the story already is, and give you a fresh point of view.
6. If you're stuck, go back a few pages. You just took a wrong turn.
5. Prologues are old news. If the information is that important, call it the first chapter.
4. If the Writer's Conference Etiquette Handbook says "No cornering a literary agent in the bathroom," it doesn't mean you can't say hi while you're both standing there washing your hands. Just maybe don't have the toilet paper stuck to your foot, next time.
3. You know you're a writer if you've ever missed the middle and/or end of a movie because you're too busy re-writing the opening scene in your head. (Guilty!)
2. Bring business cards to the conference. If you didn't bring them, DON'T PANIC. He Who Requests To Be Known In This Blog As Ranger Sexy Pants (HWRTBKITBARSP) or another trusted adult will hop on Staples.com, talk you through business card design options for an hour and seventeen minutes, patiently listening to you deliberate between bold times new roman or left-justified italics. Then, HWRTBKITBARSP or your trusted adult will locate the Staples store closest to your writer's conference, have the cards printed there, where you can pick them up on the lunch break later that day.
Brilliance, thy name is HWRTBKITBARSP.
AND THE #1 THING YOU LEARN AT A WRITER'S CONFERENCE IN NEW YORK CITY:
1. If Michael Crichton's editor writes you a referral for a literary agent, you might not be that bad of a writer.
Among the sea of hopefuls, few get to be in the picture.
