ATTN: Complaint Department

COMPOSE MESSAGE: Yes / No?
Yes, please.

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FROM: thedavisgirl@blogspot.com

TO: mother.nature@universe.com
SUBJECT: Dear Mother Nature,
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Dear Mother Nature,

Seriously? 84 degrees at rush hour? It’s almost October, Ladyface. Have I offended you somehow? I don't recall showing up in your ethereal hometown and setting fire to it.

What, are there are no calendars in your neck of the Universe? I have it on good authority (you) that it is, in fact, Autumn. Do you know what Autumn means, Mother Nature? It's Latin for Argyle sweaters, pumpkin picking, corduroys and a steaming cup of mulled cider. Not an unwanted freakish heat wave you spiteful twit!

Oh, I'm sorry...

Did I hurt your feelings, Mother Nature? Well too bad. YOU HURT MY WARDROBE!

Regardless of the fact that the air conditioner was invented here, statistics prove that Buffalo has ten months of winter and two months of bad sledding. This hardly qualifies us to enjoy the heat, now does it? What are you, a polar bear? If you're cold, don't turn up the intergalactic thermostat just because there's a chill. Put on a sweater.

Here...have one of mine.

Really, I insist. Not like I'll be needing it any time soon.

You and I both know, Mother Nature, Autumn began yesterday. And for once I am prepared for a season. I've got sweaters. I've got synthetic wool socks. I've got Ugg boots (horrid looking things, but too cozy to pass up). And at the risk of losing what little tan line I did manage in the seven hours of sunlight this past summer, I've retired the tank tops and have ready the scarfs. So stand down, you spiteful woman because I'm--Oh.

Oh no.

Crap. Seriously, woman?

Snow?

You jerk.

DELETE MESSAGE: Yes / No?

Yes.

MESSAGE SENT.

No. Hey, wait...no! Oh, crap, no. Undo! Undo! Please, undo!

CANNOT UNDO SENT MESSAGE.

FORWARD MESSAGE TO THE GUILT FAIRY: Yes / No?

No! Please, no!

MESSAGE FORWARDED TO theguiltfairy@universe.com

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The Phone Interview: A visualization

So, there's this job I applied for at UB. There were 250 other applicants, 10 of whom were chosen for the phone interview (this Davis Girl is one of them!), and 2 vacancies.

As excited as I will be to find out if I've gotten the job--and that I was head and shoulders above the other applicants and that with my new corner office they're throwing in a desk pre-stocked with dark chocolate and a Rivendell Errand Elf-boy for my beckon call--I choose a serene and patient outlook on this very long and serious hiring process.

Except in this blog.

I applied for this job in July and have been sitting on my phone since. Honestly, it's starting to chafe. Granted, it took Yale eight weeks--that's 173 episodes of Law & Order in Davisworld--to hire me. But now that I know I am one of the ten, I'm getting nervous. Not only about locating my phone, but that I might say something weird, lest we forget the deposition.

I mean, I've done lots of successful in-person interviews but never over the phone. On the other hand, I've introduced myself to the Hiring Manager already (gone back each Friday to say Hi, actually) and since there's no restraining order yet, she's really nice.

And ok. I guess if I already know the Hiring Manager, that takes some pressure off. And, of course, I have Henry. He's nothing if not comforting.

If and when I successfully complete my phone interview, I choose to be prepared for the onslaught of open-ended questions. Since visualization is a great preparation tool, I'll share with you a vision of my successful phone interview with the University at Buffalo. Wish me luck!

Official Phone Interview Transcript
Interviewer: University at Buffalo
Interviewee: Erica Davis
Date: Very Near Future

::START TRANSCRIPT::

Phone: Ring, ring!

Erica Davis (ED): Hello?

University at Buffalo (UB): Hi, Erica, this is UB calling. Are you ready for your interview?

ED: Oh, hi, UB! Yes, your timing is perfect. I just finished polishing my Employee of the Month Plaques. The ones from Yale. (silence) And Harvard.

UB: I didn't know you worked at Harvard!

ED: And Princeton. (forehead slapping sounds) Just Pro bono stuff, really, so. You know.

UB: How...nice. So tell me, why do you feel you are good fit for this position at UB?

ED: Great question, UB. Not only am I a dedicated, creative, and patient worker, I am a team player and am focused on every--Henry, be a buddy, and drop my shoe…thank you...Focused on whatever I'm doing. And I am a professional. I worked at Yale, you know. What? You wanna cookie pookie face? Who wants a cookie? Who’s my little handsome puppy man? You are. Yes you are. Good boy. I wuv you Henwy. Oh yes I do puppy-handsome-Henry-man!

UB: Uh, Erica?

ED: Yes, UB?

UB: What would you say is your biggest accomplishment so far?

ED: Hmmm…It’s a toss up between not flipping his water dish and training him to stay off the couch when there’s company, although--Henry. Be a buddy and get off the table. Get off the table. Get off...get! Good boy. Mommy wuvs you. Who wants a cookie? Does Mr. Handsome Henryface wanna cookie?

UB: Is this a good time, Erica? We could call back.

ED: Oh, its fine! Uhm…right…I am a motivated, kind, and diligent worker. I'm not afraid to ask for help..and I always refill the coffee if I take the last cup. Ha! I'm kidding. Not that I don't refill the coffee pot, but that it's relevant to this interview. Because of course it's not. Unless UB was owned by Starbucks. Which would actually be pretty awesome.

UB: That's...wonderful. So tell us, what would you do if you had a problem with a co-worker?

ED: Oh, I haven’t the faintest. That’s never happened so far--Henry, we already talked about this. We do not eat shoes, Do we? Henry? I’m talking to you. Henry. Look at me please. Henry. No. Henry. Bad. Goodboy. Cookie? Who's gotta cookieface?

UB: Are you sure this is a good time, Erica? You seem distracted.

ED: No, no. Everything’s fine--HENRY! I swear to God, if you don’t drop that shoe, I'm taking you back to the SPCA and pretending like I'm going to leave you there, but really going to pick up more dog food from their pet store because we're getting low! Now drop it!

UB: Um. Well, I think that about wraps it up for us, Erica. Do you have any questions for us?

ED: DO I LOOK LIKE I WAS BORN YESTERDAY?

UB: Excuse me?

ED: I said drop it! Uh, yes. Does my Rivendell Errand Elf-boy already come with a name or can I change it? I was thinking I "Mr. Bink-Binks."

UB: …(CLICK. Dial tone)

ED: UB? You there?

::END TRANSCRIPT::